October 15th is National Remembrance Day for Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss.
This is my daughter's story.
August 26th was
a day that changed me. I have heard it said that people don't change overnight.
Well, I beg to differ. All it takes is one significant event to make someone
wake up the next day a different person. For me, the event was a miscarriage.
This pregnancy
was completely unplanned and unexpected. My husband and I weren't trying to get
pregnant, especially since we had just moved across the country and we had our
second child just a few months prior. Yet it seems that God has made us an
EXTREMELY fertile couple, despite our efforts to "wait a few years"
before having another baby. Just two months after giving birth, I conceived
again.
Over the course
of the next two months, my husband and I would casually joke about my daily
cravings for slushes and other iced drinks, and the way I would cry at the drop
of a hat (both were things that happened while pregnant with each of our sons).
Even when I was unable to lose weight and had a few occasions of nausea, we
attributed it to the stress of the move and getting the house in order. I had
spotting here and there, which I assumed were light periods. I had even taken
pregnancy tests that came back negative twice.
Then one day I
was working out and started to get a really sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I
brushed it off, thinking it was just a cramp and would go away. But it didn't.
I started bleeding as well, and thought it was my cycle coming around. This
continued for two days. I was in the kitchen that late afternoon on August
26th, getting ready to make grilled cheese, when I felt a sharp pain. I stopped
what I was doing and bent over in pain. Something that felt like a huge clot
slipped out, and I rushed into the bathroom.
There on my pad
was what I was later told was the amniotic sac. I called for my husband and he
was worried, so I sent a picture of it to my mom. She called me almost
immediately, telling me I needed to go to the hospital asap. Blood and clots
were pouring into the toilet so fast I wasn't able to catch anymore pieces of
the tissue that was coming out. (After an ultrasound the next day, it would be
confirmed that the baby had already slipped out as well, most likely while I
was sitting in the bathroom.)
The trip to the
emergency room and waiting for an explanation from the doctor took forever. Was
this a bad period? Was this lining from my uterus that came out? Surely I
wasn't pregnant. I just took a test the other day, and it came back negative.
All of these things rushed through my head for hours.
The doctor
finally rushed in with a nurse, and they were moving so fast I didn't know what
was happening. Next thing I knew, I was in stirrups and heard the worst news of
my life. "It seems that you had a miscarriage. You were pregnant, and what
you brought in was in fact the amniotic sac. I am so sorry." According to
my last cycle the baby was almost 10 weeks old.
I felt like the
world had stopped and I was just there. The doctor kept talking, but all I
could do was lay my head back down and stare at the ceiling. How? Why? I had
two babies already, why didn't this one make it? Why didn't I know? How did we
miss the signs? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?
The car ride
home was silent. Neither me nor my husband could find anything to say. We
pulled into the driveway, and the shock wore off. A tidal wave of emotions hit
me and I sobbed uncontrollably in his arms. No physical pain in the world could
have hurt as much as my heart did in that moment. The only thing I could say
was "Our baby died. Our baby died inside of me, and I didn't even
know."
The days that
followed kind of meshed together now that I look back. I didn't know one day
from the next. I cried a lot, felt a sadness I can't explain. I couldn't go on
Facebook without sobbing at the ultrasound pictures various friends were
putting up. I held my sons around the clock, and it made me sad knowing I
wouldn't get to see that baby grow up. My husband would hold me at night while
I cried in my sleep.
People from our
church brought meals and prayed with us. I started to develop a friendship with
a woman who had a miscarriage many years ago. While it obviously still made her
sad when she talked about it, seeing her being able to work through it inspired
me. Losing a child isn't something you can just get over, but it does get
better with time.
The next six
weeks was a roller-coaster of emotions. Some days would be really good. I would
think about it and not break out into tears. The next I couldn't stop crying. I
was okay one moment, and having a breakdown the next.
My faith in God
helped me, and I knew He was there. But if I can be completely honest, I
struggled. I wondered why God would give us this baby and not let us keep it. I
knew that there was a reason, and even though I couldn't see it, God had a plan
for it all. I just wanted to know what that plan was so that things could start
making sense. I wanted to be filled with joy again, not random moments of
happiness. I received it through God's Word a week ago.
A woman that I
admire greatly suggested I look for a verse that led me to Isaiah 54. After
reading just the first few verses, I felt what I can only explain as a
spiritual awakening.
Isaiah
54:1-7 NLT
“Sing,
O childless woman,
you
who have never given birth!
Break
into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem,
you
who have never been in labor.
For
the desolate woman now has more children
than
the woman who lives with her husband,”
says
the LORD. “Enlarge your house; build an addition.
Spread
out your home, and spare no expense!
For you will soon be bursting at the
seams.
Your
descendants will occupy other nations
and
resettle the ruined cities.
“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.
Don’t
be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.
You
will no longer remember the shame of your youth
and
the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your husband;
the
LORD of Heaven’s Armies is his name!
He
is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,
the
God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you back from your grief—
as
though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,”
says
your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you,
but
with great compassion I will take you back.
While I am not
barren, my loss of a child is still a loss. And for that reason I believe this
passage of Scripture applies me and every woman out there that has ever
experienced any kind of pregnancy or infant loss.
I have spoken to
friends who have also lost a baby, and most have experienced some level of
distance from God. That is not to say turning our backs on Him, or discontinued
belief in Him. Not at all. Its more like the latter part of the passage from
Isaiah, feeling abandoned. Knowing that God is still God and He loves you just
the same, but wondering where He is in the midst of this great heartache.
Isaiah 54
encourages us to sing to the Lord. To rejoice, because the best is yet to come.
Out of the hurt and the pain, God will give us joy and expand our territory.
The sorrow is only temporary. God can and will bring us to a place of joy in
Him, and with that the promise of descendants. This could mean having children
of our own, and it could also mean for some to take in those without motherly
figures and be that mother to them. Both are just as much a blessing as the
other.
Another thing
this passage points out is an end to the shame and fear. 1 in 4 women
experience some kind of pregnancy or infant loss, but few talk about it
publicly. Our culture doesn't embrace the importance of the lives of the
unborn, and therefore can downplay the loss of one.
But we see in Jeremiah 1:5 that God values every single unborn life:
“I
knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.
Before
you were born I set you apart
and
appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”
David knew this as well when he wrote Psalm
139:13:
"You
made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and
knit me together in my mother’s
womb."
Whether you got
to hold your baby or never felt a single kick, your loss is important and have
every right to talk about it openly. Doing so can help you deal with it better,
and you may surprised at how many other women you know that have been down that
road as well.
When I came out
with the news of the miscarriage, it was amazing the number of people who not
only encouraged us, but also related. I got a number of messages from friends
who never felt like they could tell anyone about their miscarriages until they
saw my posts. Prior to my loss, I couldn't completely understand what other
women were going through. I could sympathize, but I didn't grasp what they were
feeling.
Having gone
through this, I have finally come to a place where I am starting to understand
why God allowed this to happen to me. It wasn't a punishment. It wasn't that He
didn't love me or think me fit to be a mom. My baby could have had unforeseen
health problems, and God saw it would be better to bring them home to Him
rather than suffer here on earth. My body could have not been strong enough to
take another pregnancy so soon. There are many possibilities, all of which make
sense.
In the bigger
picture, I know that I was allowed to go through this so that I can relate to
and help other women who experience the loss of their child. I am blessed to
have a caring family and network of friends to support and encourage me, and
faith in Jesus to keep me strong when I am weak. But not every woman has that.
I want to use my on-going journey as a tool to reach those women, to show them
that it is okay to allow yourself to feel and to grieve. It is okay to talk about
it.
And if you are
searching for peace and love and cannot find either, maybe its time you give
God a chance. You will be amazed at how He can fill in the void, and heal your
heart. I am not saying everything will be perfect, because it wont. But God's
love is sufficient for you. The peace He gives is greater than any form of
meditation or therapeutic activity out there. Its real and tangible and it
lasts.
August 26th was
a day that changed me. I am not the same woman I was before, and I will never
be that woman again. But who I am is a miscarriage survivor. I am a woman
unashamed of what I have been through. A woman who, through the love of God,
overcame the sorrow and is moving forward. I will never forget my baby, and
miss them every single day. I am still on my journey, and I hope through my story
more women break the silence and shake off the fear of speaking out with
theirs.
My son in-love and daughter are proud parents of two active boys. They first met at the age of 13. They were reunited at the age of 19 via Facebook. They married a year later. Currently, they have two active boys that keeps momma busy throughout the day while daddy serves our country in the United States Air Force.
