Has It Been That Long?

Has it been that long since I last posted a blog? Yes it has. I've been doing life and enjoying it to the fullest. So much has changed since I last blogged. One thing that hasn't changed is love. Especially, love that comes from family.

Autumn season of 2013 was amazing here on the home front. Our youngest son finished his time overseas serving at his first duty. I still can't believe at the young age of 18 he was on a plane to South Korea for a year serving his country. A year! A year without seeing him sitting across the dinner table or cutting slivers of cake until it was all gone. He came back to the states in November. During his time here, he spoiled us! All of us. Now he is stationed far from home, but at least he is in America.

Some things never change. Our sons still want to wrestle Dad when they come home.

Just when we thought things were starting to settle, our daughter in-love went into labor. It was a long labor. That labor of love produced our third grandbaby. I applaud my son's bride. She went through labor and delivery without my son. My son was deployed during the time of his baby's birth. Thanks to technology, he was able to witness the his first child being born. I really appreciate them so much. They are really good about sending videos and photos of the baby.

Photo Courtesy of Port City Photography

Our two other grandbabies are growing up so fast. They are doing wonderful. The oldest, he's so polite and loves taking care of his little brother. The youngest is now wearing glasses. I miss the so much! It's been one year and two months since I've seen them. I'm hoping to see them soon.

Each day, I still hang out at the kitchen table with her...I love homeschooling her. She's so much fun to hang out with. She's getting ready for track season that starts next week. She got a spot on the Girls Varsity Cross Country team. The team went to state and came in fourth place.

In the midst of things, I've managed to lose 30 pounds! I feel great. I've dropped four dress sizes. On Valentine's Day, I revealed myself in a little back dress. I was nervous at first, but it fit. We had a blast at the Sweetheart Banquet.

A long time ago, an older woman gave me some valuable advice. She encouraged me to never let the spark go out of my marriage. So glad I listened. We are more in love today than we were yesterday. In a matter of years, our nest will be empty...Our love for each other will always be full.

Not Withholding Good

Summer is over. I have mixed feelings about it. Mainly because I love my husband's work schedule during the Summer months and I love eating watermelon on a daily basis. Slowly, I'm starting to get back into the swing of a set schedule as I eagerly await for Autumn to officially arrive.

Homeschooling if off to a great start. Our youngest and only child at home has entered her Sophomore year of high school. Where has time gone?...Although being a homeschooler, she's running Cross Country for the local public school that we are zoned for. Their girls Cross Country team is #3 in our state. She had her first invitational meet last Saturday.

As my husband and I were driving up to watch her run, I keep reflecting on something recently I read in Proverbs. Our church has small groups. I purposefully chose to attend the small group with older women. I love to glean from them and from a Biblical stance, I strongly believe in the Titus 2 mandate. So, each week I have the privilege of spending time with a group of older women. Currently we are studying the book of Proverbs. Specifically, the Proverbs 31 woman.

"Do not withhold good from those to whom it is due, 

when it is in the power of your hands to do so." 

-Proverbs 3:27

That passage of Scripture stood out to me like a neon blinking off and on. The word "good" got my attention.

As I sat in the passenger seat looking at the beauty of the leaves turning orange with spots of crisp yellow burnt leaves in the midst of tall evergreen trees, I looked at my husband wondering if I'm doing "good" when it comes to him and not withholding anything good. He's so low maintenance. He says he only needs two things. One is a sandwich and you know what number two is.

So I asked myself these questions:
1) Am I doing good by preparing meals that he enjoys and satisfy his hunger?
2) Am I doing good by being the best lover that I can be and fulfilling his sexual needs?

To him, these are good things that he desires to have. For me, the power is in me to do them. After all, Proverbs 31:12 says, "She does him good and not evil all the days of her life."

Unashamed: A Miscarriage Survivor's Story

October 15th is National Remembrance Day for Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss.

This is my daughter's story.

August 26th was a day that changed me. I have heard it said that people don't change overnight. Well, I beg to differ. All it takes is one significant event to make someone wake up the next day a different person. For me, the event was a miscarriage.

This pregnancy was completely unplanned and unexpected. My husband and I weren't trying to get pregnant, especially since we had just moved across the country and we had our second child just a few months prior. Yet it seems that God has made us an EXTREMELY fertile couple, despite our efforts to "wait a few years" before having another baby. Just two months after giving birth, I conceived again. 

Over the course of the next two months, my husband and I would casually joke about my daily cravings for slushes and other iced drinks, and the way I would cry at the drop of a hat (both were things that happened while pregnant with each of our sons). Even when I was unable to lose weight and had a few occasions of nausea, we attributed it to the stress of the move and getting the house in order. I had spotting here and there, which I assumed were light periods. I had even taken pregnancy tests that came back negative twice.

Then one day I was working out and started to get a really sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I brushed it off, thinking it was just a cramp and would go away. But it didn't. I started bleeding as well, and thought it was my cycle coming around. This continued for two days. I was in the kitchen that late afternoon on August 26th, getting ready to make grilled cheese, when I felt a sharp pain. I stopped what I was doing and bent over in pain. Something that felt like a huge clot slipped out, and I rushed into the bathroom.

There on my pad was what I was later told was the amniotic sac. I called for my husband and he was worried, so I sent a picture of it to my mom. She called me almost immediately, telling me I needed to go to the hospital asap. Blood and clots were pouring into the toilet so fast I wasn't able to catch anymore pieces of the tissue that was coming out. (After an ultrasound the next day, it would be confirmed that the baby had already slipped out as well, most likely while I was sitting in the bathroom.)

The trip to the emergency room and waiting for an explanation from the doctor took forever. Was this a bad period? Was this lining from my uterus that came out? Surely I wasn't pregnant. I just took a test the other day, and it came back negative. All of these things rushed through my head for hours.

The doctor finally rushed in with a nurse, and they were moving so fast I didn't know what was happening. Next thing I knew, I was in stirrups and heard the worst news of my life. "It seems that you had a miscarriage. You were pregnant, and what you brought in was in fact the amniotic sac. I am so sorry." According to my last cycle the baby was almost 10 weeks old.

I felt like the world had stopped and I was just there. The doctor kept talking, but all I could do was lay my head back down and stare at the ceiling. How? Why? I had two babies already, why didn't this one make it? Why didn't I know? How did we miss the signs? WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?

The car ride home was silent. Neither me nor my husband could find anything to say. We pulled into the driveway, and the shock wore off. A tidal wave of emotions hit me and I sobbed uncontrollably in his arms. No physical pain in the world could have hurt as much as my heart did in that moment. The only thing I could say was "Our baby died. Our baby died inside of me, and I didn't even know."

The days that followed kind of meshed together now that I look back. I didn't know one day from the next. I cried a lot, felt a sadness I can't explain. I couldn't go on Facebook without sobbing at the ultrasound pictures various friends were putting up. I held my sons around the clock, and it made me sad knowing I wouldn't get to see that baby grow up. My husband would hold me at night while I cried in my sleep.

People from our church brought meals and prayed with us. I started to develop a friendship with a woman who had a miscarriage many years ago. While it obviously still made her sad when she talked about it, seeing her being able to work through it inspired me. Losing a child isn't something you can just get over, but it does get better with time.

The next six weeks was a roller-coaster of emotions. Some days would be really good. I would think about it and not break out into tears. The next I couldn't stop crying. I was okay one moment, and having a breakdown the next.

My faith in God helped me, and I knew He was there. But if I can be completely honest, I struggled. I wondered why God would give us this baby and not let us keep it. I knew that there was a reason, and even though I couldn't see it, God had a plan for it all. I just wanted to know what that plan was so that things could start making sense. I wanted to be filled with joy again, not random moments of happiness. I received it through God's Word a week ago.

A woman that I admire greatly suggested I look for a verse that led me to Isaiah 54. After reading just the first few verses, I felt what I can only explain as a spiritual awakening.

Isaiah 54:1-7 NLT

“Sing, O childless woman,

you who have never given birth!

Break into loud and joyful song, O Jerusalem,

you who have never been in labor.

For the desolate woman now has more children

than the woman who lives with her husband,”

says the LORD. “Enlarge your house; build an addition.

Spread out your home, and spare no expense! 

For you will soon be bursting at the seams.

Your descendants will occupy other nations

and resettle the ruined cities. 

“Fear not; you will no longer live in shame.

Don’t be afraid; there is no more disgrace for you.

You will no longer remember the shame of your youth

and the sorrows of widowhood. For your Creator will be your husband;

the LORD of Heaven’s Armies is his name!

He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel,

the God of all the earth. For the LORD has called you back from your grief—

as though you were a young wife abandoned by her husband,”

says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you,

but with great compassion I will take you back.

While I am not barren, my loss of a child is still a loss. And for that reason I believe this passage of Scripture applies me and every woman out there that has ever experienced any kind of pregnancy or infant loss.

I have spoken to friends who have also lost a baby, and most have experienced some level of distance from God. That is not to say turning our backs on Him, or discontinued belief in Him. Not at all. Its more like the latter part of the passage from Isaiah, feeling abandoned. Knowing that God is still God and He loves you just the same, but wondering where He is in the midst of this great heartache.

Isaiah 54 encourages us to sing to the Lord. To rejoice, because the best is yet to come. Out of the hurt and the pain, God will give us joy and expand our territory. The sorrow is only temporary. God can and will bring us to a place of joy in Him, and with that the promise of descendants. This could mean having children of our own, and it could also mean for some to take in those without motherly figures and be that mother to them. Both are just as much a blessing as the other.

Another thing this passage points out is an end to the shame and fear. 1 in 4 women experience some kind of pregnancy or infant loss, but few talk about it publicly. Our culture doesn't embrace the importance of the lives of the unborn, and therefore can downplay the loss of one. 

But we see in Jeremiah 1:5 that God values every single unborn life:

  

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.

Before you were born I set you apart

and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

 David knew this as well when he wrote Psalm 139:13:

"You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and 

knit me together in my mother’s womb."

Whether you got to hold your baby or never felt a single kick, your loss is important and have every right to talk about it openly. Doing so can help you deal with it better, and you may surprised at how many other women you know that have been down that road as well.

When I came out with the news of the miscarriage, it was amazing the number of people who not only encouraged us, but also related. I got a number of messages from friends who never felt like they could tell anyone about their miscarriages until they saw my posts. Prior to my loss, I couldn't completely understand what other women were going through. I could sympathize, but I didn't grasp what they were feeling.

Having gone through this, I have finally come to a place where I am starting to understand why God allowed this to happen to me. It wasn't a punishment. It wasn't that He didn't love me or think me fit to be a mom. My baby could have had unforeseen health problems, and God saw it would be better to bring them home to Him rather than suffer here on earth. My body could have not been strong enough to take another pregnancy so soon. There are many possibilities, all of which make sense.

In the bigger picture, I know that I was allowed to go through this so that I can relate to and help other women who experience the loss of their child. I am blessed to have a caring family and network of friends to support and encourage me, and faith in Jesus to keep me strong when I am weak. But not every woman has that. I want to use my on-going journey as a tool to reach those women, to show them that it is okay to allow yourself to feel and to grieve. It is okay to talk about it.

And if you are searching for peace and love and cannot find either, maybe its time you give God a chance. You will be amazed at how He can fill in the void, and heal your heart. I am not saying everything will be perfect, because it wont. But God's love is sufficient for you. The peace He gives is greater than any form of meditation or therapeutic activity out there. Its real and tangible and it lasts.

August 26th was a day that changed me. I am not the same woman I was before, and I will never be that woman again. But who I am is a miscarriage survivor. I am a woman unashamed of what I have been through. A woman who, through the love of God, overcame the sorrow and is moving forward. I will never forget my baby, and miss them every single day. I am still on my journey, and I hope through my story more women break the silence and shake off the fear of speaking out with theirs.

My son in-love and daughter are proud parents of two active boys. They first met at the age of 13. They were reunited at the age of 19 via Facebook. They married a year later. Currently, they have two active boys that keeps momma busy throughout the day while daddy serves our country in the United States Air Force.

It's All Because of Him That I Serve him

I could feel the cool air coming through the small crack I left in the window last night. With one eye opened, I glanced at the clock. According to the clock and my schedule, I still had two hours of sleep allotted to me. As I lay there pondering if I was going to get up and close the window or go back to sleep, a thought came to my mind.

"What am I going to do today to bless Don?"

To some, it may appear as though my days serving here at home are a complete waste of time and talent. A part me, though, can't help but to think about Jesus who served without hesitation. If I proclaim to the world that I am a believer in Christ and wear the label "Christian", my life should reflect Christ-like behavior.

A wise woman told me years ago that if it doesn't line up with the Word of God, then it should have no place in my life. With that said, what does the Bible say about serving?

"...but whoever desires to become great among you, let him be your servant. And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave--just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and give His life a ransom for many."
Matthew 20:26b-28

I want to be like the Son of Man. I want to serve like Him. Serving like Him may consist of sacrificing a little sleep in order to make my husband an omelet at 6 am or 12 midnight due to his work schedule. I learned the hard way that being a true servant means I can't complain when being called upon to serve.

Photo Credit: Captured By Kim

So what did I do for my husband today? He loves baked goods. So I made him some Soft Oatmeal Molasses Cookies.

"She does him good and not evil all the days of her life." ~Proverbs 31:12

Hack! Hack! Hack! and Sweet Kisses

I received a text message from a dear friend this morning. She said, "Good morning." My text response to her was, Hack! Hack! Hack Crud! Hack! Hack! Crud!, etc..... It's was a good thing she wasn't standing in front of me. She may have been frightened by my manly voice and that awful hacking sound protruding from me. I then informed her that I was battling a cold. A bad one.

I've been under strict orders from my wonderful husband to rest and not do anything. That is very hard for me to do because I love being busy. Busy at home. I had all kinds of plans this week. I planned on taking out some my Spring clothes and putting away Winter clothes. I planned on starting a project that I will give to my precious daughter at her bridal shower. I planned on going to JoAnn's Fabric with my new coupons to see how far my $13 would go.

I took some over the counter medicine, which I don't like doing, but I needed some sleep. I don't remember much about this morning, but I do remember a few things. I remember my husband kissing me on the forehead before he left home to clean the church. The reason why I remember this is because it wasn't just one kiss, but many kisses. And they were sweet kisses too.

I'm not sure how much time had lapsed. Next thing I knew I felt those sweet kisses on my forehead again and this time he was telling me that he was leaving for work. Another thing I remembered was making sure the blankets were just so as I laid back down with a smile on my face. In spite of all the hacking, congestion, chest pain and sore throat, those sweet kisses managed to put a smile on my face :)

True Love Really Does Wait

February is the month when we will hear and see the words, "I Love You" everywhere we go. During this time there will be young men and especially young women waiting for Cupid's arrow to pierce them. I've seen many young women that will put themselves in Cupid's path on purpose to make sure they're hit. They can be standing from afar watching Cupid do his thing. They've seen him lodge the arrow so deep into another woman's heart, only to yank it out and take a piece of it with him. Willing to look past the fact that he's planted a seed that that he will not water nor provide nourishing food.

We tell ourselves that it's different this time. It's different because I'm different. I'm not like all the other silly girls. He loves me.....

Young women believe a lie straight from the pit itself. It's easy to believe because we all want to be loved. What woman wouldn't want to be held by a man and have him whisper words to us that sends our imagination seeing him running across the field towards us with a bouquet of flowers hand picked by him.

Then next thing you know you've given something precious to him that God intended for your husband. You did it because you really love him and he loves you. News flash, "True Love Waits!"

Love is not suppose to hurt the core of who you are. Love is not suppose to leave you with a heart so broken that the only way you feel you can mend it it by giving it to someone new. Only to say the same line over again to ourselves, "It's different because I'm different. I'm not like all the other silly girls. He loves me....." Last I knew a gerbil is something that's suppose to jump on a wheel and go round and round. Not you!

"True Love Waits!" and it will wait as long as you need it to. I Corinthians 13 tells us that love is patient and it's kind. If your beau does not display either of these characteristics, it's not love and he is not the one for you!

It's not to late for you to get a fresh start. When we repent and come to Christ, we become new creature. That old nature is gone. You can start today, February 1st, and make a commitment that you will wait.

If you're a mother and you think that there's no way of your child changing and making a commitment to wait, think again. Your daughter is crying out for boundaries to be made in her life. Offering to give her birth control pills is not creating a boundary for her. Giving you son a condom "just in case" he needs it is not creating a boundary. Teach them the importance of waiting. Waiting for that true love, even if they've made a mistake. God doesn't throw us away when we make a mistake.

If you're a young woman who wants to make a commitment and need someone to be a mediator between you and your beau, yes I said a mediator and not an accountability partner. The reason why I say this is because you can tell your accountability partner what you want them to knew. A mediator will be in the midst of the relationship offering guidance and pointing you in the right direction. Find a couple in your church to help you in your relationship process.

Psalm 25:21 ~ "Let integrity and uprightness preserve me, For I wait for you."

*The young lady in the picture above is my daughter Ruthie. She took this picture and I titled it, "Waiting For Boaz" Ruthie is in a "Father Led, God Inspired" courtship right now. I will talk more about that in a later post. Her and Ryan have made a choice to demonstrate God's love and be an example to other youth by making a commitment to wait. They both say, that not only do they want to please God, but they want to make their parents proud as well.

Words of Love

Many people have asked how are we doing with the transition that took place this summer. I noticed in my response, I would use the word "love" a lot. ex: I "love" our new place, I "love" our new church and I "love" Vancouver, etc. But there is one thing that I received this summer that I "love" a lot. It's an older book titled "Words of Love" It's a small book with various quotes about love. It's a Hallmark Editions book and the quotes were selected by Ben Whitley.

I received this book from my Secret Sister. I want to share some quotes from the book. I hope it blesses you the way that it has blessed me. BTW, I "love" Secret Sisters.

The heart that loves is always young. ~ Greek Proverb

The sea has its pearls, The heaven its stars,
But my heart, my heart, My heart has its love ~ Heinrich Heine

If you wish to be loved, love ~ Seneca

'Tis what I love determines how I love. ~ George Eliot

Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind. ~ William Shakespeare

Love is the gentle smile upon the lips of beauty. ~ Kahlil Gibran

A loving heart is the truest wisdom. ~ Charles Dickens